empty.

I somewhat love your narcissicism because it reminds me of how one can actually be proud and happy of themselves rather than having the lowest self-esteem and being the most negative people.

The 6 months' gap of not blogging had turned out to be what seems like the fastest period of growth for me. Time past so quickly and I can't help but cringe my forehead thinking when on earth would time slow down, or seemingly slow down? Is it when I'm having the best times of my life? No, best times always seem so short and unreal. Is it when I'm having the worst times? Seemingly.

You wake up to a bad memory of your ugly past and you stay in bed thinking deeply about it, and you don't want to get out of bed, afraid that the haunted memory would trace its way to your present. You struggle hard to actually get out of bed and you finally did, because honestly, everyone goes through more or less the same thing, and in your case, you can be counted as the luckier girls. Sometimes, you just don't understand why is it so hard, for you to just be, happy when you've all the things any girl would want, but it's just that way. Happy is not the term for it, because being happy is temporary and unreal. More of having joy, joy that comes with peace and love. Joy that refreshes and lasts.

It all comes from God, and through Him, only through Him, you find real Joy, real Strength, real Rest. (':

,

Sometimes, I just wish blogging is homework. Just saying.

regret.

So much, have changed from last year.

you, are gone, and I can't help but feel a tiny pinch of regret everytime I think ofyou. regretting that, I did not treat you the way I should, or at least, always. regretting that, you're gone and nothing can bring you back. regretting that, I won't be able to drive you around when I rech seventeen, like how you used to sit in the car with me and him driving. regretting that, you won't be able to see me through PMR, and furthermore, college and university. regretting that, I hadn't got the ability to take you out for a grand dinner, to thank you for all that you've done for me. regretting that, I won't be able to show you my report cards anymore. not that I did, since I've always told you my marks. regretting that, I didn't massage your legs and back for you when you did it for me, when I'm tired. regretting that, I didn't spend enough quality time with you. regretting that, I didn't learn how to cook from you, or any recipes from you. regretting that, no matter how much I say now, won't bring you back. regretting that, I didn't bring you overseas. regretting that, I didn't talk to you when I had the time. regretting that, you won't be able to see who I would marry and the kids I might have. regretting that, you wouldn't see what I would become in the future. and really regretting that, I couldn't pay the debt of love from you. I guess I can't call it debt, -I can't show my gratitude.

but I know, as long as you're with Him, I feel at peace. still, I can't seem to accept, the fact that, you're really gone. even if it's already two months. I can't seem to digest it. when I say it, it's like speaking air.

maybe it's not a tiny pinch, rather, a whole tank of regrets.

I truly, miss you.

it's really, really, okay. :)

yknow that feeling, when you've suchh high hopes in people, and when they don't reach your standard, your hopes come crashing down, and shattered into a gazillion pieces, and you don't know who to blame, whether it's them, or your ownself- but you know quite well deep inside, that it's all your fault, to have come up with such a standard that even you yourself can't reach.

and the person who did so, is someone who you love so dearly, and would never let go in any situation, except for their own good.

it's hard, and it's difficult, and on top of that, it's so unpredictable.

one minute s/he can be so, nice, and the other minute, act like you've never existed. it's even, harder, because at times, it just feels like you're being overly emotional, or overreacting- and it's really really your, fault to have brought yourself to this, slight hurt

I've come to learn, after all these years, and I'm sure many out there have too. that, hurts are inevitable and sometimes, unstoppable, but overcoming it and getting over it with God's help, yeah, that just shows your, strong enough. :)

you get a text from one of your very best and oldest friend, asking you if you want to join her for a movie tmrw, and she doesn't know that little smiley face :) that she had added behind- hey pretty, means just so so so much to you, in a time like, -now. you feel so touched, and at this, the world seems slightly a better place to be in. It's like God telling you, it's okay, through a tiny but meaningful act, from someone close. and at this, I smile. :)